BDSM Education- Dom/me

Dom/mes are ordinary, everyday people.  Dom/mes can be female or male.  They can have a job where they'll follow orders and the job is very demanding, they can have a very demanding high paying job where they are in charge (Dominate), they can have a run of the mill type job, they can be wives or husbands, moms or dads, grandmothers or grandfathers, daughters or sons, etc.  Some Dom/mes think there is something wrong with them because they have a need to be served or taken care of, or a need to have someone submit to their control, and/or a need to give some sort of physical pain (erotic pain or real pain).  

Some will spend their life hiding/suppressing their need and try to be "normal."  Some will even train themselves to never reveal or give in to what they need.  What they don't realize though, the more they try to suppress the need/desire/want, the more the need/desire/want grows.  For some reason a large percent of Dom/mes have put up a quiet, non-aggressive often humorous persona keeping their Dom/me need buried inside where it is safe.  Yet their thoughts/dreams/fantasies are usually about tying someone up, spanking someone, having someone serve them, caring for someone, helping someone to grow like a flower in a garden and/or do things that cause sensations and/or erotic pain (being the prison guard taking advantage of the female prisoners like they have seen in movies, for example) or they want to capture a slave and force them to do things.  Deep down inside, the desire to control continues to stir.  

All too often Dom/mes attract or somehow seek out those that have been abused in their past.  They find themselves giving the physical or verbal pain, but in an inappropriate way, that usually is not loving but often disguised as love.  They will find themselves torn between giving what they want to give, even if it is not totally how they want, but it's better than not being able to control at all.  People around them often see the abuse or the extreme lengths their friend/relative is going through to control or worse yet see the Dom/me (their friend/relative) as the one being abused.  The people around them may even try to interfere or protect them, but in the end those that get involved will end up the enemy, on the outside being kept at arm's length or never spoken to again by the Dom/me for getting involved.  

Some Dom/mes convince themselves they need to be forced to dominate and/or control.  Some Dom/mes have convinced themselves that by being forced to take command, their dignity and their self respect is saved.  This is just another way to avoid embracing their Dom/me desires/wants/needs.   Some Dom/mes have convinced themselves to resist or won't allow themselves to control another, or to give erotic pain, bottom line they are not being a Dom/me.  You will even find Dom/mes that consider that by domming they are giving the submissive a gift.  If they are not giving the submissive the inner Dom/me that they have been hiding, then they are not giving the submissive their gift of domination, they are just playing the role of a Dom/me, which doesn't have any real meaning and seems to be more low self esteem, commitment phobia or ego problematic.

Dom/mes seem to fall into the trap of passive/aggressive often accompanied with insecurity, withdrawing and possibly thrown into the mix as well is the rational that they can never be the Dom/me their submissive wants, or the worst one-- it's abuse.  (Abuse- To assault.  To injure or hurt, not care about the others well being.  Physical or sexual assault or false imprisonment is not part of BDSM.  BDSM is negotiated between those participating and is something that is enjoyable and enhances a persons well being.)  To truly take control of your submissive is extremely hard to do.  Best advice I can offer is to go slow, embrace the new direction in your life of taking control.  In the beginning you will feel like all you do is fail or do whatever it is wrong.  You will most likely crash and burn with each failure, but you never have the nerve to share the failure with your submissive.  You will be mad at yourself and push yourself harder than you should or even more than your submissive would want you to.  The Dom/me needs to avoid the urge to run away or end the relationship.  Don't give up, each day that passes things will get better.  In the beginning you will feel the need for constant reassurance from your submissive.  But there will be times you will have to punish and correct your submissive or help your submissive become a better submissive.  Hopefully over time your need to be reassured constantly will calm down to a level your submissive can manage and not feel like they are in the hands of someone way too inexperienced.  Don't let your submissive set up expectations that you know nothing about or you don't have time to do, that will make you feel like you have failed your submissive and most likely upset you and possibly make you want to withdraw.  Do not withdraw, that only makes the submissive insecure and more clingy and needy.  For some submissives if their Dom/me withdraws it leaves them feeling lost, unloved, worthless, without purpose.  BEWARE some (not all) submissives (especially those in a long term relationship) will even think about or may even act on ending their life.  One hope it never reaches the latter.

Avoid allowing your submissive to try to manipulate you to fight for them or prove that you want them, this is a recipe for failure.  If you can, try to avoid those vanilla ingrained knee jerk reactions that thrust you into turmoil, it doesn't' mix well with being a Dom/me.  Try to avoid finding fault in your submissive or the relationship, and slow them down from trying to control (topping from below), run the show or make demands.  Don't fall into the trap of allowing the submissive to say "I am just expressing my limits/needs/wants/desires" or "I misunderstood what you told me" as a way to justify their controlling manipulation (some submissives don't even realize they are manipulating).  

When the Dom/me is having a hard time meeting the needs and demands of having a submissive, the Dom/me should try to focus on what makes them happy with their submissive.  Try to focus on the fact that you can't live without the happiness, joy, closeness, servitude, etc. that being with your submissive gives you.  You might try focusing on one act/behavior of your submission that gives you great joy, happiness, etc.  Some Dom/mes will bring up a memory of how their submissive dresses, how they sit, how they kneel, how they serve a meal, you get the idea.  Most Dom/mes will focus on their submissive's happiness, love and care, which in turn makes them calm, relaxed and grounded again.  With effort and determination (and probably your submissive's help) you will find the balance of things that seem so overwhelming right at that moment.

Another thing to avoid is allowing your submissive to act like a sassy/sammie submissive and taunt you if you choose not to punish them for every little thing.  That behavior is not what most Dom/mes want everyday (once in a while might be okay).  If a Dom/me is always handing out punishments rather than getting themselves taken care of or taking care of their submissive, exactly what good is the submissive in the relationship?  Being a Dom/me is not to see how far you can push your submissive or how many hoops can you get them to jump through or how many days they can go without an orgasm.  That is what those who manipulate or have no clue about being a Dom/me do.  If your submissive wants/needs a spanking train them that it is better to get one as a reward for being pleasing/doing good, rather than as punishment (punishment is real and is painful and not meant for pleasure).  Stop and think--do you really want to a submissive acting up to get their way/want?  You can even have your submissive express (respectfully of course) when they want/need a spanking, etc.  Does that mean they will get it each and every time?  Probably not, but it's communication and lets you know what is going on inside of them.  A Dom/me-submissive relationship is an unbroken circle around them (if polyfidelity-around them all).  Within this unbroken circle there is give and take from both/all sides, it is not about being selfish, it is not just sexual aspects, it is about commitment, trust and love.

Something a Dom/me can never do is not take responsibility for their domination or actions.  You are responsible, for example, for taking care of your health (you get the idea), you are responsible for doing things as safely as you can to avoid injury to your submissive, you are responsible for your submissives mental well being, you are responsible for keeping trust, you are responsible for keeping commitments, and you have to remember all actions have consequences.  Dom/mes it is your responsibility to know how an item physically feels BEFORE you use it on your sub.  This can be accomplished by having a experienced Dom/me use an item on you for 10-15 minutes or more, varying the intensities or it can be accomplished by you being a bottom/sub/slave in play so you get a better head space understanding and better physical intensity rating.  Some feel you can never be a Dom/me until you have first been a sub and earned your leathers (old guard).  If you aren't willing to have it done to you so you have a starting physical intensity point/marker, then you shouldn't be doing it to someone else.  So check that Dom/me ego at the door and be responsible.  Bottom line- As long as you have experienced the varying physical intensities, which shows responsibility and care for your sub, it doesn't really matter which route you choose to get that physical feeling/intensity knowledge.

Dom/mes remember you aren't a mind reader.  If there is something your submissive wants/desires, etc. tell them they must tell you (in a respectful manner of course) or let them write it in their journal.  Remember COMMUNICATION is what keeps things going along the right path.  Stop communicating and things will come crashing down around you, and you will have to work extremely hard to get the trust going again.  Yes you can rebuild trust, but it is a long hard road and must be done with honesty and commitment from both sides.

Dom/mes need to feel they are doing the right thing, and are helping their submissive.  Dom/mes need to feel they are not abusing their submissive, but rather are caring and nurturing.  Dom/mes search until they find the correct submissive for them.  This submissive has the right attitude, the right subbie heart, the right form when kneeling, standing or serving, etc.  This submissive will be caring, loving, will help the Dom/me as the Dom/me decides what they need help with.  The Dom/me that agrees to take a submissive on as a life partner will take control and will have varying degrees of control over different aspects of the submissive's life.  Dom/mes will push the submissive to break down their limits or barriers they have put up, and expand them.  What is a limit today, might not be a limit 6 months from now.  Dom/mes will push the submissive, to let go of the control they have placed upon themselves and to open up and be true to themselves.  

Some Dom/mes aspire to be "True/Real Dom/me."  To call oneself true/real implies that any other form of dominance is less or false.  It has nothing to do with quality, and technical knowledge doesn't make for experienced.  There is no right or wrong way to be a Dom/me.  Domming is an art.  It goes far beyond just being served, training a submissive, or punishing or rewarding.  The Dom/me immerses themselves as deeply as they can into being in control of their submissive.  It is mental, spiritual, and physical, not just a means to arousal. 

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