BDSM Education- Play Party

You've gotten your first invitation to attend a play party.  First thing you do is RSVP.  Never RSVP and then not show up.  The folks throwing the event are counting on you attending to help off set the cost.  They have gotten food/beverages based on the number of people saying they would show up, and most likely rented the play space.  In smaller spaces they may have turned someone away because you committed to being there.  As well as other things arranged based on your commitment.  If for some reason you can't attend at the last minute (illness, car broke down, etc.) contact the party host/hostess the following day and ask them for an address or paypal ID so you can send them your entrance fee.  After all, they accepting your RSVP without pre-payment was very considerate.  Some host/hostesses will allow a tentative RSVP, if you aren't going to make it you should let them know if possible.  

Attire can be tricky, even more so if advertised to come in fetish attire.  Some consider fetish clothing/attire a costume of some sort, for others dressing in all black is fetish clothing, for another getting naked, for another blue jeans and a black t-shirt.  There is no set fetish attire for BDSM.  So if they advertise fetish attire/clothing/wear, check with them to find out what they are expecting, it may make you change your mind about attending.  It is pretty common for folks to attend in "normal" attire.  

You may see a submissive wearing a collar, sitting or kneeling at their Dom/mes' feet, or on a leash, other submissives may not do such.  

Voyeurs are common at play parties.  So if you plan of participating, be aware someone will most likely be watching.  Be aware, some play parties, they allow "wankers" (wanker is usually a male stroking his penis and usually has a goal of cumming).  Wankers should NEVER be so close that your cum squirts out on someone or someone's toys/property.  

Types of play will be varied.  You might see flogging, spanking, tickling, suspension, fucking, fisting, begging/pleading, etc.  Avoid falling into "that is not safe" thinking, it's just something beyond your limits.  It is advisable to check with the host/hostess a few days before the party to see if types of play some consider messy or on the edge is okay to do.  Here are just a few that might be wise to check on: wax play, electric play, breath play, fire play, take down play, knife play, gun play, fantasy rape play, blowgun play, suspension/inverted suspension play, kicking or gut punching play, bullwhip/single tail play, etc.  Some spaces have areas for messy play, so it's good if the host/hostess can inform you ahead of time where that type of play can be done.  If you are planning on using a violet wand or electric vibrator, you should check on plug availability at the party.  Extension cords running across the dungeon would need cord protectors to prevent tripping by attendees.

Keep in mind those playing are not doing it to entertain you, give you a private show or to educate you.  They are there to use the equipment, be exhibitionists, scream at the top of their lungs since it is rare to be able to in an apartment/condo and even some homes, they might also be there to use loud toys/implements (cracking a whip comes to mind).  

Never bring your cell phone/cell picture phone to a party, and turn off your beepers.  

Do not touch anyone.  Some consider hugging or touching their arm to be out of bounds.  Shaking hands would be about the only touching acceptable without permission/consent.

Don't call someone Mistress/Master/Sir/Ma'am without knowing them and having their permission.  Lots of folks reserve those terms for their submissive only.  

Don't call someone slave/slut/cunt/their known slave name without knowing them and having their permission.  Lots of folks reserve those terms for their Dom/me only.  

Don't bring a camera or video camera without prior approval from the host/hostess.  

Don't do scenes with scents.  Other attendees could be asthmatics or have allergies.  

Don't smoke at the party.  Some spaces will have an outside area for smokers.

If you are not their Dom/me, don't order someone to get you something.  Just because you claim yourself to be a Dom/me don’t expect to treat submissives as if they were your submissive, that is NOT OKAY.  It is rare but there are some play parties that are set up where those who are Dom/mes can dom any submissive at the party. 

If you are not their submissive don't be trying to serve someone.  Just because you claim yourself to be a submissive don’t expect Dom/mes to treat you as if you are theirs, that is NOT OKAY.  It is rare but there are some play parties that are set up where those who are submissive must be submissive to all Dom/mes at the party.

Don't try doming or submitting without prior negotiation/permission.  

Never use strobe lights at a party.  WARNING: Strobe lights or flickering candles can trigger hidden epilepsy seizures.  This activity should not be done in a public setting or demo/lecture/workshop, you could cause someone a seizure by your use of a strobe light.

Don't interrupt/interfere/intervene in someone's play/scene.  Yes they could be cursing, screaming, yelling, the sub resisting and looking as if being forced, etc.  If something bothers you, seek out a DM* or the host/hostess.  Remember just because it might look risky/extreme doesn't mean it is, usually it's just your limitations and/or inexperience shining through.  

* DM- Dungeon Monitor, a person that monitors a play space for danger signs and breach of the party rules or etiquette.  A person you can talk to if something you see bothers you.  A person who can point you to a restroom, the cleaning supplies, get you a bandage, etc.  A person that is there to help but not interfere.  A person who knows the play spaces rules and the party rules.  TIP- If you are going to do a heavy scene, you should talk with the Dungeon Monitor beforehand so they don't interrupt your play because it might look unsafe or questionable.  This will also allow them to ask you any questions about the play so they can educate anyone that has concerns with your play.

Avoid asking people private questions about their personal life.  

Don't socialize in the play space.  It is rude and distracting.  

Don't be so close that the Dom/me can't use their implements.  The intimacy between the Dom/me and sub must come before your wanting to watch.  

Don't ever jump/join into someone's play/scene.  You are not wanted or invited.  Don't think that just because you see folks sitting around then joining in that it is okay for you to.  Dom/me's have either signaled someone to join or it has been pre-arranged.

Don't talk to a Dom/me or sub while they are playing or after playing (ramping down time).  This is rude and could ruin their entire evening.  Would you want someone distracting your Dom/me as they have a knife to your throat?  Would you want someone distracting the sub so they lose the subbie mind space you have gotten them to?  or the endorphins you have given them?  This is their time of intimacy and focusing on each other, so stay out of it.  

Don't leave your toys all over the place.  When you are finished playing, pick up and clean up your area ASAP, after all someone else is probably waiting to use the equipment. 

Do not talk to the submissive after a scene.  The submissive is in their own emotional world and you want to leave them there.  If you want to offer a blanket, water or food, quietly address the Dom/me. 

Don't try to pick someone up, play parties are not a pick up joint.   Also no one wants a puppy-dog type following them around uninvited either.  

Never touch someone else's toys/implements etc. (this includes moving them).  A Dom/me and/or sub will be extremely pissed off if they have to re-sterilize a blade, scalpel, wartenburg wheel, etc. because of your germy hands and irresponsibility.  As well as not getting to do the play they had planned on doing due to your negligence.  

Don't use the equipment all night so no one else can.  Keep your play to a reasonable amount of time, especially at crowded events.  

Don't attend if you have been drinking alcohol or smoking pot or doing any illegal drugs.  And don't bring any of these with you to the party.  

Don't ever talk about seeing so and so at the party and NEVER talk to anyone about so and so doing blah play.  Privacy is something that is required.

If you are being a voyeur don't stare, it's rude and distracting.  Also check your passing judgment at the door.  If you are a "wanker"  keep your distance, and clean up after yourself.

Find out if there are any party rules, and follow them.  

Do use common courtesy.  

Do locate the host/hostess and thank them for having the party and allowing you to attend.  It is also a nice touch to thank them again and tell them good bye when leaving.

Be polite.  

Be friendly.  

Be tolerant of play/scenes even when beyond your limits.  

Be tolerant of same sex couples playing or cross dressers or transsexuals.

Bring munchies along.  Most host/hostess appreciate homemade goodies, drinks, fruits, etc.  This is also a way for the host/hostess to know what kinds of foods people would like at the parties they throw.

If you notice things running out (plates, cups, ice, etc.) ask the host/hostess if they could point you to them, helping out will mean a lot to the host/hostess.

Socialize in the social/food area.  Social areas are where you could ask questions about the play you have watched someone do (respectfully of course).  This would also be a good time to give a complement about something you enjoyed watching in their play/scene.

If there is a genital contact with gloves only policy, follow the policy.  If the play space doesn't have non-latex gloves in small, medium, large and extra large, then they shouldn't expect you to reasonably follow their policy.   I know for married and/or committed couples/triads/etc. this can be a tough one.  

Observe from a distance.  

Do give others room to play. 

Do clean up after yourself.  Use the appropriate cleaning materials (these should be provided by the play space).  A good play space will have cleaning materials to remove HIV risks, etc.  

Do let the host/hostess know if someone is harassing you at the party and/or interrupted your play/scene or a DM approached you unnecessarily during your play.  The host/hostess can't fix things if they don't know it's broke (so to speak).

Back to Dictionary page-Play Party definition

This web site is STRICTLY a site for education but until the Department of Justice obscenity prosecutions become more clearly defined we are self-censoring our web site and removing any material that might be questionable in eyes of the anti-obscenity squad.  We certain hope that DOJ does not mix/confuse education sites with obscenity. 

For more information on the topic above and/or the example of what could occur see Electric Switch's book.

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