BDSM Education
Ideas for creating your own Dom/me and sub
Rules, Rights and Guidelines

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All too often I hear people say there are basics, there are protocols or there are rules.  This is simply not true.  Let no one tell you that or try to convince you of that.  What they have is THEIR rules.  Beware that they will probably try to force them non consensually upon you.  

As with everything in BDSM there are no clear basics, rights, rules or protocol.  The rules/basics/protocol are individualized.  Some follow the Old Guards Way, some the New Guards way, some ways are in between and others have their own ways.  All that matters is that who you are involved with understand and agree with whatever basics/rules/protocol/guidelines are used.

Here are some things for you to think about and ponder.  You may agree or disagree with some or all of what is written below.  These are things I have heard over the years and know are practiced by people involved in BDSM.  You will notice some of what is listed oppose other things listed.  It's up to you to make your choices.

Disclaimer- What is written below does not mean I agree with what is listed.  Nor does it mean I oppose the things listed.  These are listed here simply for you to look over, think about and create your own basics/rules/protocol/guidelines.
Regardless if you are Dom/me or sub after reading this I hope you will create your own guidelines to follow.

Basic human rights, laws and courtesy apply no matter what your proclivity.

There are normal manners and courtesy just like the rest of society.  So just because you claim yourself to be a Dom/me donít expect to treat submissive's as if they were your submissive, that is NOT OKAY.  Just because you claim yourself to be a submissive donít expect Dom/me's to treat you as if you are theirs, that is NOT OKAY. 

No one should expect a sub to wait on a Dom/me or a Dom/me to issue orders to them when not in a relationship with them.  

Until you give your gift of submission to a Dom/me. NO Dom/me has the right to intimidate, force, demand or take away your freedom. 

Until you have accepted a sub, NO sub has the right to try to manipulate, hound, demand or take away your freedom.  

Both must have trust and respect for each other, this is not one sided.  

Neither should lie or hide things from each other, nor should either side accept it being done.

Both should be emotionally and physically sound and expect to stay that way in ANY relationship.  

Both should take the time they feel they need and not allow the other to force or rush them into ANYTHING. 

Subs donít expect the Dom/me to fix/solve all your problems.  Sure your Dom/me wants to hear about your life but they donít want to hear you talk about your problems continuously, this makes you into a needy, high maintenance sub, get a therapist if you have real problems.  Dom/mes it goes for you as well, if you are constantly dumping your problems on your subbie, you are just weighing them down with things they canít fix (and they do want to fix everything for you), if you have real problems see a therapist.  

Dom/mes don't want a doormat (a person used by another person for their own benefit without regard for the persons feelings, growth or well being).  Why would a Dom/me want to be involved with someone that will submit to anyone for anything at anytime?  They wouldn't.  Both should want someone that respects themselves otherwise how can they respect you? 

Subs you are expected to obey immediately and not question the Dom/me ever.

Both should expect respect from the other.  

Both should have safe words and it should be clearly understood that they will be used if either feels a need.  Using a safe word does not mean anything beyond what the word represents.  i.e., a safe word for slowing down, for checking in, for I need to talk about this now, etc.  Never think any less of the person for using their safeword.

Subs should expect to tell the Dom/me what they would like if they feel a need is not being met.  (Yes, yes done respectfully)   

Subs should expect to tell the Dom/me their dreams, fantasies, what they think are their needs and what they think is missing.  This might be done verbally or in a journal.

Dom/mes are allowed to express tenderness, love and understanding when they desire and not be seen in a non Dommly manner by a sub.  

Subs are allowed to express a need for tenderness, love and understanding when they feel the need.  

Subs should expect to be allowed to ask questions as long as done respectfully.  

Subs you have to believe the instructions/orders your Dom/me gives you have been done with thought and care.  You should not constantly question your Dom/me about the instructions/orders.  Clarifying questions are usually acceptable when asked in a respectful manner.

Subs should expect to be allowed to bring up concerns they might have and expect the Dom/me to listen and consider what they are saying.  Yes this is to be done respectfully and yes the Dom/me has the final word, but the sub has to feel you gave it consideration and not a just because I say so response.  

Both should expect the other to make mistakes, one prays it is not one of endangerment.  

A Dom/me has the right to stop any play/scene at any time.  

A sub has the right to stop any play/scene at any time.  

Dom/mes should never feel guilty for applying real punishment or for fulfilling their Dom/me responsibilities.  

Both should never be abusive to the other.  

Subs you have to believe the instructions/orders are given with thought and care and not just to see how far you will go or how many weird things you will do for them.  

A sub will never consider herself a weak person for being submissive.  It actually takes a submissive strong enough to admit to themselves the desire within to serve, obey and please their Dom/me.  

A sub will always focus on pleasing her Dom/me and hopes the Dom/me will find her pleasing.  

Subs are always in submission to their Dom/me even outside their presence. 

Subs should always be prepared to please their Dom/me anywhere, anytime, no matter what the circumstances or who is around.  

Subs will only make their choices based on if they will or will not please their Dom/me.  As well as make their choices within the orders/boundaries/instructions/guidelines their Dom/me has set for them.

Subs behavior at all times reflect directly upon their Dom/me, so they are to act with good representation of their Dom/me at all times.  

Unless specifically agreed to/granted no sub has any rights or privileges in their relationship with their Dom/me.  And any rights or privileges given can be removed at any time by the Dom/me.  

The Dom/me will train, teach and shape their sub according to their wants and desires.  This makes their sub worth more to them.  

The Dom/me has final word in all matters or issues.  The sub must believe the Dom/me has used their judgment and fairness in making the decision.  

No sub can release themselves from their duties, service, collar or the relationship without the Dom/mes prior approval and consent.  

Dom/mes can have as many subs as they desire or require. 

Subs may never think, say or portray any thing to anyone about the relationship as abuse or abusive. 

Subs are expected to keep an open mind and try new things expanding their limits.  

Subs will not attempt to top from below or try to make play/scene travel a certain path. 

It is a subs responsibility to figure out what pleases their Dom/me. 

Subs will not allow physical harm be done to them if at all possible. 

Subs are expected to be courteous and to assist other subs whenever they can. 

Subs are never allowed to think they are a better sub than another.

Subs should be allowed to ask for help if they feel the need. 

Subs should be allowed to ask for attention rather than act up to get attention. 

Subs should be allowed to expect aftercare following any play/scene. 

Subs should expect to be reminded of their submission.  

Dom/mes should expect to be reminded they are the Dom/me when a sub feels they are being allowed to wander too far or get away with too much.

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Now I am sure I haven't included every possible thing I have heard over the years, but I hope this gives you a place to start thinking about what will work for you and what will not.

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