BDSM Education- Some Phases of BDSM

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People are always wanting to know what are the steps in BDSM.  They are disappointed to learn there are no real steps or stages in BDSM, everyone does things in different ways and everyone develops feelings and emotions related to BDSM in different orders.  Here is the best I can come up with--phases of BDSM:

The awakening- You have some feelings, more often than not, feelings connected to sex.  You may notice that you are more nurturing, drawn towards wanting to care for someone (serve), wanting them to do things to you that seem "kinky."  You may have had fantasies of being bound, taken/overpowered, or spanked, etc. or you may notice that you are more demanding, drawn towards wanting to be served, wanting to do things to someone that seem "kinky."  You may have had fantasies of tying someone up, taking/overpowering someone, or spanking someone, etc. or you may notice you have all of the above feelings.  

What's wrong with me- What you are feeling is frightening you and at times very scary.  Society is so pro-creation, pro male-female relationships, so "vanilla" oriented, anything kinky is a no-no/taboo.  Toss in a religious up-bringing, lack of information, lack of sex education, and you have a very good chance of thinking something is wrong with you.  You will think you are the only person on the planet to feel this way and think something is horribly wrong with you.  You might even think you are sick or crazy and need a shrink to fix you, or you will do what most do and hide your feelings, wants, desires deep down inside.  But if you are brave you will seek out information (that is probably why you are here reading this).  You will find that you are not alone, you are not sick and depraved.  You will hopefully find others that will share with you positive feelings and experiences and let you know you are not alone.  Hopefully you will learn that it is okay to submit to someone else, to let someone spank/strike you, and no it doesn't make you weak or abused.  It's okay to have someone serve you, to spank/strike someone and no it doesn't make you an abuser or a sadist.  It's okay to serve or be served, to spank or be spanked.  No it doesn't make you any less of a Dom/me or sub to like it both ways.

I need more- You begin to search for things to read.  (For some book titles click here)  You look for stories containing BDSM, magazines of people bound and looking helpless, or how-to-do BDSM books.  You will begin to search the Internet for BDSM sites or visit BDSM chat rooms so you can be around other like-minded people.  In chat rooms you can feel safe and secure behind a monitor with anonymity.  I suggest you read the article about BDSM online before you get too involved in BDSM online/chat.  

I need to find someone- Reading and chatting anonymously online will only last so long before you need first hand experience.  Explore munches, workshops/demos/lectures, and play parties.  First thing is don't rush and jump at the first person to give you the time of day.  Even when you find someone and are exploring with them don't rush.  Rushing seems to always end in hurt feelings and disappointment.  Mainly expectations end up not matching or miscommunication occurs or people trying it out find it's not really what or how they want things.  You only find these things out as you progress.  This is when things click in your mind to liking or not liking specific aspects of BDSM.  So you must go slowly to avoid the crash and burn and emotional hurt and sometimes betrayal we end up feeling from rushing.  Actually interacting in real time is a large risk and if someone gets emotionally and/or physically hurt they may give up and go back to hiding/locking up their feelings.  One of the biggest traps that occurs is the I want more factor.  Embracing your desires and wants and acting on them can be addictive and one can immerse themselves so much that their real life begins to suffer.  Some put their new found wants/desires in front of everything else in their life.  Some folks have lost their jobs, cheated on their spouses and ruined their marriages and a zillion other things.  So ALWAYS put real life first.  If a woman is a submissive she will also be fighting internally between giving up control and keeping control for things she needs: her career, being a mom, and running a business are a few that pop to mind.  Your Dom/me will help you with the balance and yes they understand that you need to have control in those areas.  Remember you have to be responsible for you own conduct.  You are accountable, answerable, obligated, for your own actions and choices.  
In BDSM you can't fall into the trap of thinking/believing/fantasizing: 
In the end the Dom/me is the one responsible or has the responsibility.  
In the end the sub/bottom/slave is the one responsible or has the responsibility.  
Bottom line-- You are the only one responsible for you.  

Starting to live it- This is when you begin to test out the things you have learned and even more understanding occurs as you begin to share with a regular/permanent/spouse/polyfidelity person(s).  Your mind starts really understanding things it has read/heard or tried out.  You might become a member of the leather community.   

Living it 24/7- This is where you really grow and define yourself and your life with your Dom/me(s) or sub(s).  As your relationship progresses and changes, sometimes your BDSM changes as well.  This doesn't mean it ceases.  Example:  As we grow older maybe a sub can't kneel without being in pain, so you adjust your BDSM to work around that or you both grow towards enjoying more mental BDSM than physical.  It's still the both of you in your relationship, both enjoying the BDSM together.  Just remember life's realities need to be worked out and into your BDSM life.  And remember...learning is never ending.  

Tip- You need to realize each of the phases above have no set time frame to complete them (think years).  Not everyone will do all aspects of the phases.  Some may find BDSM is not for them and cease continuing.  Others may cease for a time and pick up their BDSM at a later stage in their life (could be months, years or decades later).  Others know BDSM is for them and it will encompass their life.  Others might feel comfortable in a certain phase and won't necessarily advance.  It's up to you (or you and your partner/spouse/poly, etc.) how you live your BDSM life. 
 

This web site is STRICTLY a site for education but until the Department of Justice obscenity prosecutions become more clearly defined we are self-censoring our web site and removing any material that might be questionable in eyes of the anti-obscenity squad.  We certain hope that DOJ does not mix/confuse education sites with obscenity. 

For more information on the topic above and/or the example of what could occur see Electric Switch's book.

WARNING: This web site does contain information of a mature theme regarding alternative sexuality and is unsuitable for minors.  If you are under the age of consent (usually 18 years and over, depending upon your area) for your county, state, or country in the locations in which you accessing these web pages, you may not access any of our web pages. 

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