BDSM Education- submissive

submissives are ordinary, everyday people.  submissives can be female or male.  They can have a very demanding high paying job where they are in charge (Dominate), they can have a run of the mill type job, they can be a CEO, they can be wives or husbands, moms or dads, grandmothers or grandfathers, daughters or sons, etc.  Some submissives think there is something wrong with them because they have a need to serve, or a need to submit to someone else's control, and/or a need to feel some sort of physical pain (erotic pain or real pain).  

Some will spend their life hiding/suppressing their need and try to be "normal."   Some will even train themselves to never reveal or give in to what they need.  What they don't realize though, to a well tuned Dom/me they are amplifying their need.  They are so used to hiding their desires from the clueless vanilla world they live in that they are not even aware their want/need/desires shine like a blinking neon sign over them.  For some reason a large percent of submissives have put up a loud, aggressive persona keeping their submissive need buried inside where it is safe, yet their thoughts/dreams/fantasy are usually about serving someone, caring for someone and/or torturous things being done to them (floggings like they have seen in old pirate movies for example) or they are a captive or slave being forced to do things.  Deep down inside this continues to stir their desire/need/wants.  

All too often submissives attract or somehow seek out abusers rather than a loving caring Dom/me.  They find themselves getting the physical or verbal pain they want, but in an inappropriate way, that usually is not loving but often disguised as love.  They will find themselves torn between getting what they want even if it is not totally what they want, but better than not having anything at all.  People around them often see the abuse or the extreme lengths their friend/relative is going through to please.  The people around them may even try to interfere or protect them, but in the end those that get involved will end up the enemy, on the outside being kept at arm's length or never spoken to again by the submissive for getting involved.  

Some submissives convince themselves they need to be forced.  Some submissives have convinced themselves that by being forced their dignity and their self respect is saved.  This is just another way to avoid embracing their submissive desires/wants/needs.   Some submissives have convinced themselves to resist or won't allow themselves to be controlled, bottom line they are not being submissive.  You will even find submissives that consider that by submitting they are giving the Dom/me a gift.  If they are not giving the Dom/me the inner submissive that they have been hiding then they are not giving the Dom/me their gift of submission, they are just playing the role of a submissive, which doesn't have any real meaning and seems to be more ego problematic.

submissives seem to fall into the trap of passive/aggressive often accompanied with insecurity and possibly thrown into the mix as well is the rational that if the Dom/me is caring and/or loving they can't be a Dom/me.  To truly give up your choice/control to your Dom/me is extremely hard to do.  Best advice I can offer is to go slow, embrace the new direction in your life of giving up control.  Yes there are times you will fail and maybe even be punished either physically or mentally by your Dom/me.  In the beginning you will feel like all you do is fail or do whatever it is wrong.  You will most likely crash and burn with each failure and make the failure (or something you have made in your mind to be a failure) out to be worse than it actually is.  You will beat up on yourself and punish yourself harder than your Dom/me would or wants to.  The submissive needs to also avoid the urge to run away or end the relationship.  Don't give up, each day that passes things will get better.  In the beginning you will feel the need for constant approval and praise from your Dom/me, it is what gives you life and makes you want to get up each day.  But there will be times you will get punished to correct you or help you become a better submissive.  Hopefully over time your need to be reassured constantly will calm down to a level your Dom/me can manage.  Don't set up expectations that your Dom/me knows nothing about or doesn't have time to do, that will make you feel lost and most likely bring you crashing down.  The funny thing is the more lost you feel, the more you need/want the control.  

Avoid trying to manipulate your Dom/me to fight for you or prove they want you, this is a recipe for failure.  If you can, try to avoid those vanilla ingrained knee jerk reactions that thrust you into turmoil, it doesn't' mix well with being a submissive.  Try to avoid finding fault in your Dom/me or the relationship, and stop trying to control, run the show or make demands.  Don't fall into the trap of "I am just expressing my needs/wants/desires" or "I misunderstood what you told me" as a way to justify the manipulation (some submissives don't even realize they are manipulating).  

When the submissive is having a hard time the submissive should try to focus on what makes them happy with their Dom/me.  Try to focus on the fact that you can't live without the happiness, joy, closeness, etc. that being a submissive to your Dom/me gives you.  You might try focusing on how you would act/behave if your Dom/me was standing right in front of you at that moment.  Some submissives will focus on how they dress, how they sit, how they eat, how they fix a meal, you get the idea.  Most submissives will focus on their Dom/mes happiness, which in turn makes them happy.  Some submissives will write in their journals everything their Dom/me means to them, others will do a task they dislike but know will surprise their Dom/me they have done what they dislike on their own (example-clean something, or put on a clothing item you dislike but your Dom/me loves).  With effort and determination (and probably your Dom/mes help) you will find the balance to things that seem so overwhelming right this minute.

Another thing to avoid is acting like a sassy/sammie submissive because you think your Dom/me isn't dominant enough because they choose not to punish you for every little thing.  That behavior is not what most Dom/mes want everyday (once in a while might be okay).  If a Dom/me is always handing out punishments rather than getting themselves taken care of or taking care of their submissive, exactly what good are you bringing to the relationship?  Being a submissive is not to see how far you can push your Dom/me or how far does something go before you upset them so you get punished.  That is what children do or those who manipulate.  If you want/need a spanking it is better to get one as a reward for being pleasing rather than as punishment (punishment is real and is painful and not meant for pleasure).  Stop and think--do you really want to see a disappointed look on your Dom/mes face?  A Dom/me-submissive relationship is an unbroken circle around them (if polyfidelity-around them all).  Within this unbroken circle there is give and take from both/all sides, it is not about being selfish, it is not just sexual aspects, it is about commitment, trust and love.

Something a submissive can never do is not take responsibility for their submission or actions.  You are responsible for example to take care of your health (you get the idea) and all actions have consequences.  Also submissives remember Dom/mes aren't mind readers.  If there is something you want/desire, etc. talk to your Dom/me or write it in your journal, remember COMMUNICATION is what keeps things going along the right path.  Stop communicating and things will come crashing down around you, and you will have to work extremely hard to get the trust going again.  Yes you can rebuild trust, but it is a long hard road and must be done with honesty and commitment from both sides.

submissives need to feel they have a purpose and are of worth.  submissives search until they find the correct Dom/me for them.  This Dom/me has the right look, the right voice, the right stance, etc.  This Dom/me will be caring, loving, nurturing, will help the submissive grow.  The Dom/me that agrees to take the submissive on as a life partner will push the submissive to break down those barriers they have put up around their submission, to let go of the control they have placed upon themselves and to open up and be true to themselves.  

Some submissives aspire to "true submission" (also called "sub heart".)  It is an art.  It goes far beyond just serving, being trained, punished or rewarded.  The submissive immerses themselves as deeply as they can into being controlled by their Dom/me.  It is mental, spiritual, and physical, not just a means to arousal.  The submissives loses the ability to do anything but obey--auto responsive. 

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