BDSM Terminology For Newbies

This web site is STRICTLY a site for education but until the Department of Justice obscenity prosecutions become more clearly defined we are self-censoring our web site and removing any material that might be questionable in eyes of the anti-obscenity squad.  We certain hope that DOJ does not mix/confuse education sites with obscenity. 

For more information on the topic above and/or the example of what could occur see Electric Switch's book.

 

Having been involved in BDSM for over 25 years, I find folks wish definitions and terminology clarified. Below is something I put together long ago for those new or just starting out.  This covers much but it doesn’t cover every term used so as not to overwhelm you.  (After you digest these feel free to see my dictionary for over 400 terms and definitions)

There are no protocols or rules in BDSM, except the ones between those involved. There is normal manners and courtesy just like the rest of society. So just because you claim yourself to be a Dom/me don’t expect to treat submissives as if they were your submissive, that is NOT OKAY. Just because you claim yourself to be a submissive don’t expect Dom/mes to treat you as if you are theirs, that is NOT OKAY.

First off, not everyone will agree on "definitions" or “terminology”...but this has helped many "newbies". Just remember definitions and terminology only need to be clear between those involved in the activity together.

* 24/7- 24 hours a day 7 days a week

* BDSM- Bondage Discipline Sadism subbie masochism Master/Mistress. BDSM is not a psychological disorder.

*boi- Are usually female submissive's or bottoms and usually have a female Daddy. They are typically masculine or "butch".

*Bondage- Those who participate in being tied to objects.

* bottom- A term used for most that "play" in the submissive role. Gives up control but only for the play time.

*boy- Are usually male submissive's or bottoms and usually have a male Daddy.

* CBT- Cock and ball torture, often including the scrotum.

* Communication- Something that is very important to all involved.

* Contract- An agreement entered into by all people involved in the relationship, usually for a specific period of time.

* D/s- Domination and submission.

* Daddy- A dominant man or a woman who is the father figure to a boy/boi.

* Dom/me- The person in charge, the one that does things to someone else.

* Dominissive- Person who enjoys both Dom/me and submissive roles.

* Edge Play- Something that is on the edge of one’s limits. Be aware what is edge play to someone might not be to someone else.

* Endorphins- Chemicals produced by your body that give you a state of ecstasy and pleasure.

* EPE- Erotic Power Exchange (usually a term for those just "playing" with others involved in the "scene" sometimes used in conjunction with TPE).
*see below for more details.

* Feedback- Letting each other know how things felt to them.

* Fetish- Attraction or attachment to an idea or object. Examples- Leather, uniforms, black attire.

* Fisting- To take one's entire hand and insert into an orifice and slowly curl hand into a fist for fucking.

* Flogging- To hit someone with something similar to a cat o' nine tails.

* Flogged: To be hit with an instrument usually made of leather strips.

* Golden Showers- Where the Dom/me urinates on the bottom, drinking of the urine might be part of this play.

*
Humiliate- To hurt, the pride or dignity of someone.  This is rarely used in BDSM.  Erotic humiliation is usually what occurs.  Forcing one to over come inhibitions and do things they normally wouldn't.  Just remember what humiliates one person, may not humiliate another.

* Immobilization- Usually done
with rope or saran wrap to create
a helplessness in the bottom. Some also call this mummification.

* Internal Enslavement- "Internal Enslavement" and "Total Power Exchange" cover much of the same ground. Internal Enslavement is to take possession of a slave, in a consensual context. Dealing with a slave's thoughts, emotions and past experiences and establish and maintain a solid and inescapable state of ownership. This is achieved through control of the slave's psychological states, in contrast to external enslavement where the submissive to be enslaved consents at the start of the process.

* Life-stylers- Those who live and are actively involved in S/m or D/s on a daily basis...Including TPE/EPE relationships.

* Limit- A place a person believes they do not wish to go. Limits are always changing and being tested and/or expanded. Things that are a limit today might not be 6 months from now. Usually limits occur were the activity/stimulation ceases to be enjoyable or satisfying or a psychological place where one can’t cope.

* Marks- Something that might happen during the course of play. Bruises are the most common “mark.”

* Markings- Commonly done when 2 enter into full time relationships. Typical markings- branding, piercing or tattoo.

* Masochism- Getting of pleasure, often sexual, from being hurt or humiliated.

* Master/Mistress A title/term for those that "live" as a Dom/me. Webster's- A man who rules others or has control over something.

* Mentor- A tutor, a coach, a guide, a trusted counselor.

* Munch- A set time and place where people with BDSM interest gather for a meal and usually discussion.

* Negotiation- What is done before play or a long term relationship where both people state what they will and will not accept from each other.

* Newbie-Someone new to BDSM scene/lifestyle.

* Old Guard- Born out of the end of WWII, by gay leather men. Code words were used: 'Do you play the mandolin or the saxophone?' to discover which of them was the masochist or the sadist by the first letter of these instruments. For the era and the times, The Old Guard and its rigid social structure and manners/protocols were needed. The Old Guard will always be around, it is tradition.

* Owner- A term used for those that “live” as an Owner of their property.

* Play- To act in a specific way.

* Players- Those that enjoy the erotic aspects of Power Exchange but not wishing to live the lifestyle, or those wishing to expand their "vanilla lives.

* Property- A term used for those that “live” as property to their Owner.

* Punishment- There is punishment within play, called play punishment. These are usually activities done so the bottom gets enjoyment from them. Discipline punishment is real and is painful.

* Quick release- A device to quickly get a person free without needing to spend time in an emergency situation.

* RACK-Risk Aware Consensual Kink

* Role Playing- For those that wish to be somebody else for a specific period of time. Examples: School teacher/student, Pirate/captive, Officer/private, Burglar/victim, Pimp/hooker, Parent/child, Noble/servant, Sultan/concubine, etc.

* Sadism- Getting pleasure from mistreating others.

* Safeword- This is something the bottom/submissive can use to slow down or stop whatever is being done to them. Dom/mes can also use safewords, but is less common.

* S.A.M. or Sammie- Smart ass masochist. SAMs can be a lot of work, especially if they are the type to attempt to control everything the Top does, your energy will be spent trying to control them.

* Sassy (this is a term I came up with) Smart assed submissive/slave. To me it's much better to say “don’t sas me” or “my we are sassy tonight” than using term sam/sammie.

* Scene- Those "players" would go to "play parties" for non-vanilla play. To some it is also pre-planned play with possible role-playing.

* SSC- Safe Sane Consensual

* Slavegirl/boy- A title/term for those that "live" as a submissive. Webster's- A human being who is owned as property by another; a person having no freedom or personal rights.

* S/m- Sado Masochism

* submissive- The person not in charge, the one that has things done to them by someone else. To yield to the control or power of another.

* Squick (term I help make popular)- A term used to say that is way beyond me..."that squicked me"

* Switch- Person who enjoys both Dom/me and submissive roles

* Top-A term used for most that "play" in the Dom/me role. The one that controls things but only for the play time.

* Topping from the bottom- where the sub directs the Top what to do or how to do things to them.

* TPE- Total Power Exchange (usually no safewords used, usually those 24/7). Considered negotiated codependence.
*see below for more details.

* Vanilla- Not a person into BDSM.  Ingrained society norms and referred to as "mainstream."  Pro-creation sex between a man and woman.

* Weekend Warrior- Those that wish to experience BDSM sensations only in the bedroom or at a “play party.”

 

I came up with the term and prefer S/w Sado Wackosism (comedy during play/sex!). Nothing more fun than a subbie/bottom/slave moaning in pain one minute and laughing the next....screaming from a whack to laughing out loud the next moment.

Now to address the: Are there sub divisions of S/m question.

Whatever works for you is S/m....for one that might be tied to the bed and tickled with a feather...for another being beaten with a baseball bat.
(okay 2 extremes, but each is S/m, D/s to those involved)

I like to use this example of how S/m is unique to the individuals involved:

A Master and slave go to dinner:

In one example the slave orders the meal as they should know and anticipate what their Masters/Mistresses needs, wants and desires are.

The other the Master/Mistress orders as they are in total control at all times over their slave/property.

Both scenarios work, because these are the "roles" in which they both have agreed to participate....or live.

This web site is STRICTLY a site for education but until the Department of Justice obscenity prosecutions become more clearly defined we are self-censoring our web site and removing any material that might be questionable in eyes of the anti-obscenity squad.  We certain hope that DOJ does not mix/confuse education sites with obscenity. 

For more information on the topic above and/or the example of what could occur see Electric Switch's book.

DISCLAIMER:
The following reflects missy’s views on TPE, based on real life living with her Master/Owner.


Each relationship will define their roles as Dominate and submissive. Let NO ONE tell you "you are wrong that isn't TPE".
Nobody can agree on terminology for BDSM...but we all agree on the concept...there are many levels to EPE and TPE and BDSM.

Some have clear-cut expectations of what they want and expect. For some it is a bedroom game, enhancing vanilla sex... for others it is playing with others but only in play (weekend warriors)…for others they live it...it is not just related to sex...it is something they have worked out together...exchanging power between themselves, a give and take relationship...working as a team…for others one controls everything: eating, sleeping, working, bathroom use, how to stand how to sit, EVERYTHING.

Most can assume things are RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) but to some it may not look that way (examples):
“We don't have a safe word.”
We play with electric items, guns, knives, fire, etc.
But for the most part they are SSC - (Safe Sane Consensual) (most are experienced using the items).

Once a Dominant accepts a submissive’s gift of her life...he must take the responsibility of that life seriously...it is a BIG responsibility...and they are literally responsible in some cases for the subs life.

In exchanging power with another it is a give and take situation. You may find the scales tipped one way or the other...but the couple must work out the balance so no resentment occurs.

TPE is a very deep love and can be highly romantic...the degrees of this will be based on those involved. The submissive will have real emotional and mental and physical dependence with the Dom.

TPE you will both do things that are not pleasing to you 100% of the time...but you do it out of love for the other

Punishments can be real or used in "play"
The Dominant is one who sets the rules and the sub follows them without question. The submissive is expected to be obedient and have a deep devotion for her Master at all times. She does not question her Master and does as she is instructed. Some Masters do allow their slaves/property to ask questions, or to ask to talk about a rule or order, but the slave/property will accept the answer/outcome at all times.
The submissive will anticipate her Masters every wish and desires. Her pleasure comes from being of use to her Master/Owner.

Titles maybe used Master/slave for example...Owner/property…but they are not just "titles" they reflect how you live...the Master might place a symbol, tattoo, brand or collar upon his property as a reminder of ownership...Master is the most important person in the submissive's life....putting him before herself.  Similar the submissive is the most important person in the Master's life, completing the total power exchange.

Trust is VERY important.
Trust not to injure, or damage permanently.
Trust the Dom to use his best judgment in "play".
Trust the Dom to be truthful.
Trust the Dom not to emotionally, mentally or physically abuse you.
Trust the Dom to keep his commitment to you and the relationship.
Trust the Dom to never abandon you.
Trust the Dom to never cheat on you.
Trust the Dom to not seek others and destroy your relationship. (Poly lifestyles have defined rules and never allowing another to destroy your relationship is critical) 
Trust is negotiated codependence.

Communication is a MUST...but you must be willing to BE vulnerable to one another, sharing you inner most secrets and thoughts. Talk...talk...and talk some more.

TPE or EPE is NOT a fantasy....some folks think that you are mentally off if you live like this or think you are living in a fantasy world....this is NOT the case.
The submissive/property is NOT a door-mat...not a child (and is NOT treated like one except maybe in "play")...it is NOT an escape from responsibilities (you have more responsibility than ever in TPE or EPE)
Just because you are in TPE or EPE does not mean you as a submissive/property will not be a mom...a wife...a lover...a CEO...you just now have an added responsibility...your Master

I hope this helps you all in some manner.

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